#27: Mr. Anonymous

It's so funny how people search high and low, near and far for what they THINK they want or need. But you know what guys? Majority of the time exactly what you've been looking for or wanting to "build" is riiiiiiiight under your nose. These past couple weeks I've been serious riding my freedom. Leaving a relationship that honestly wasn't healthy for me or the other person and venturing out and growing just a little more. I swear my wingspan is 2x what it was! LOL! But what I really want to touch on is friendship.

Friendship: a friendly relation or intimacy.
Friendship is something that many take for granted. Having a shoulder to lean or cry on, understanding, and just a listening ear means the world to a lot of people; myself included. That is why I take it as seriously as I do. My friends know my darkest secrets and my deepest fears, the things that tickle my fancy and the silly things that make me smile. Ahhhhh, friends...The one thing that I want in an intimate partner is friendship.

Intimacy: the quality of being comfortable, warm, or familiar.
Intimacy is something that I NEED. Seriously! And I'm not just speaking on the intimacy that can come from sexual relations or what-have-you but the intimacy of knowing that someone is familiar with your personality and your comfort levels. Being what you need them to be when you need it most. There is nothing like the surprising element that intimacy brings especially when you least expect it.

Comfortable: being in a state of physical or mental comfort; contented or undisturbed.
Comfort is another thing that I cannot live without. For me to be so content that nothing NOTHING can bring me off of my high (happiness only people!) is amazing! For that easy chemistry to be present and the comfortability of just knowing....*sigh* Yes comfort!

But all of this leads me to one place...recently someone that I adore and that is an awesome awesome friend has brought to my attention that, hey, I'M ALL THAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR! We've been right under each others noses for so long that when we think about it all we can do is smile. A friend first that brings me great joy and comfort, laughter and great intimacy, and passion with each intellectual conversation that is shared....it's one indescribable feeling I tell you what (LOL @ my reference to Hank Hill). With this great revelation I have come to understand that anything that is real has patience. Remember that please! Patience, a friend first, intimacy, wonderful conversation, and thoughtfulness is all a girl could ever ask for.

And this ladies and gentlemen was my Valentine's day gift! The gift of knowing that someone's there rain, sleet, hail, or snow. So, HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO ME!

***Yes, I did get other gifts; a stuffed animal, chocolate, etc. but the real gift was the thought & effort put behind it.***

#26 Wisdom Wednesday: Episode 1

"Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely."
-Erma Bombeck

Being that I am a pisces with serious fantasy and dream issues this quote really sparked something within me. Bombeck didn't say much here, but it was quite strong if you ask me. It's amazing how so little can mean so much.

Realizing a dream is no easy task but when it does occur it's like an epiphany! An indescribable feeling. And yet it can also be a burden. I'm sure that my fellow dreamers out there have come to a point where their visions or dreams, whatever you would like to call them, have been overlooked or seen as futile. Have you ever had what you thought was an amazing idea and no sooner than you voiced it it was shot down? If you have then you know exactly where I'm coming from. One thing I can say though is that all in all, if you contemplate the idea, the world's greatest minds were overlooked as well.

I guess that's where I get my tagline from ("MADNESS IS GENIUS"). This is my own personal philosophy that just because something is not understood at that very moment or in the slightest bit clear...it can still be GREAT. Look at Martin Luther King, Jr. & Albert Einstein! Don't you think that at some point and time people thought that they were crazy for doing the things that they did? Einstein was even thought to be mentally retarded!!! No matter how random or crazy an idea or thought sounds in your head say it aloud. Never let anyone say that it's stupid and or not realistic...You never know what you could accomplish. Do NOT stifle your creativity for anyone!

#25: Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself (Fantasy vs. Reality)

After reading another tasty selection from my girl Fancy B. I have checked myself into rehab. Yes, you heard me right; REHAB ladies and gentlemen. It is now 3:12 AM and I have had a small revelation...I cannot force reality to become my fantasy world {Planet Pleasure}. You see in my world I have the perfect man, fulfilling sex, extreme focus, a clear view of my future, and so on and so forth.

LOL! So, you're laughing too? I don't blame you. How could I ever expect for this life that I live day to day, going through the motions to amount to what goes on in my Piscean planet? No such thing exists.

I guess this is where my rights come into play. THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS: the right to pursue whatever gives me joy...people speak of this as if it is as easily done as it is said, but REALITY CHECK! It's all just wishful thinking. Oh, come on! Like wishful thinking doesn't play a major role in most of our lives? Let's be real here...Most of us are in predicaments where we are conforming to society and what we THINK we should be or how we THINK we should act. Going for the career that will make us the most money, but bring us the most misery. Don't act like you've never seen it! People waking up dreading going to that job, dealing with those coworkers, that boss; it's all REAL. Or dating that guy that everyone says is good for you. How in the hell do they know what's good for me or you?! Yeah, he's sweet, he's on bended knee everytime you blink waiting on you hand and foot, taking care of you, there to listen, but the REALity of it is there's something missing isn't it? HA! Got'cha! Then you feel bad when everyone's looking at you saying why didn't you choose this or you're dumb for letting that go. REALITY CHECK!!! They can't live your life or determine your happiness!

Take it from me sweets; it's really not worth it because somewhere down the line the bottom is going to fall out of your "perfect" little life. Yes, I do consult my "friends", but you know what my reality is? I have no clue who my friends are. I never had a best friend. The closest I got to that was a puppy that was taken from me. LOL Yeah, it may be funny to you, but that dog meant the world to me. Anyway, let me not get off subject. Everything that I ever tried to have hope in was taken away from me or was fake is what I'm getting at. So, if you have ONE true friend then you'd better keep 'em! The REALity to that is you have to count your blessings.

I'm tired of hiding behind my fears. I must be myself! So, here I am world!!! In all my naked glory! I spread my wings for all to see! I have no clue what I want to do after I graduate from college (besides grad school which could be a ploy to buy me more time), I have no clue when I'll be ready to settle down so guys let me do me, I refuse to explain myself to anyone, I'm emotional & quite sappy, I'm a hopeless romantic, I like to be fulfilled sexually (don't act like you don't! The only problem is pleasure is hard to measure...but that's another blog for another day lol), so what if you think I talk too much? Did it ever occur to you that I have a lot to say?, don't try to control me because that'll NEVER happen, and I could just go on forever, but I'll let everyone figure it out if they get a chance to know and understand me. It's 2009 and there's NO STOPPIN' MY SHINE! So, to those of you who hate, don't like me, are annoyed or whatever your dilemma is I will no longer let that phase me. So when you see me MAKE A WISH BITCH!

(2009 Edition) #24: Southern Hummingbird

Recently I have been battling with my heart & mind. Freedom or security? The wind beneath my wings or the solice of a golden cage? The one thing that I have concluded in all of my seesaw manners is that my freedom means more to me than anything. I love being able to come and go as I please.

No explainations, no constant doubt, nothing...just me & my gorgeous wings! Oh these glorious wings! The beautiful colors and the neverending amazement they bring when I spread them for all to see! I guess you can say that this is my little metaphor for how I view my freedom. For those of you that didn't know the hummingbird signifies freedom. So, that has become my animal of choice. Kind of like that question we were all asked in grade school that we thought was THE dumbest thing to write about in English classes. "If you were an animal, what animal would you be?" Well, I have finally found my answer.

Just the curiosity of each day brings me joys I cannot explain. Not knowing what twists or turns will come my way that spark my senses and creativity. It's something else...I guess that's exactly why I'm here. To share them with whomever will listen. As much as I would love to settle myself and go through the motions of what most would think is the ultimate happiness I find myself looking for something more than the usual. Not saying that there is anything wrong with it. I have no clue what I am looking for but I have a feeling that I will stop at the right flower when God sees fit.

So, I say to you all, don't let anyone or anything, not even yourself, bind you when you feel that there is something more out there for you.

Late Night Special #23: Disappointed...

You know sometimes you could be having the most wonderful day then all of a sudden it's messed up b/c something or someone decides to ruin it for you. I've been having a lot of those days lately & frankly I'm tired. T-I-R-E-D tired. No matter how good the outlook of a situation may be somehow it disappoints me. Whether something I worked extremely hard on ends up blowing up in my face or someone I got my hopes up on just made a mistake that changed my thoughts. I don't do it on purpose, but sometimes you can't help it. I'm a pisces hell I LIVE in fantasy. For once can't something go right for more than a week or 2? Ever so often do I wish I could take my thoughts and make them into lush reality, but we all know that'll never happen. All in all there's one thought that has disturbed me most; sometimes your greatest disappointment can be within yourself...

Late Night Special #22: Open Your Eyes & Realize, God Is Trying To Tell You Something

I've begun to realize that God is sending us little signs to let us know that it's REALLY time for a change. Have you notice that people are "dropping off like flies?" No offense to anyone who's lost someone, but it seems as if everyone around us is dying or slowly making their way. I've been having dreams for quite some time about Jesus's return & honestly I think that these visions were given to me to share with all of you. I know that I'm NO WHERE NEAR perfect, but I want to change for the better. I want to stop doing the things that are just plain out unnecessary. Let's be real here people...the only reason we don't change is b/c we're worried about what others think or what they may say about us, but frankly I'm starting not to care. I soul is waaaaaaaaaaaaay more important than anyone on this earth (no offense). I want to help people and help myself. So, I pledge today to change. Slowly, but surely I'm going to get where I need to be. God's not through with me yet & I know he's not done with you either...So, take this & run with it people. Share it with whom you may. And use this as words of encouragement & remember ONLY GOD CAN JUDGE YOU...

Late Night Special #21: Elastigirl No More!

I've cried too many tears, have had waaaaaaaay too many late nights, I've bent over backwards stretched so far & did all I could. I'll always love you b/c you were a friend before anything & I understand your feelings. I just hope you'd understand, but here I am crying b/c I miss your friendship...no matter how selfish we both were or what happened we said we'd always be there. But, it feels like you've disappeared...So, as much as I hate to say it I'm done stretching to reach to the ends of the earth for you. It's time for Courtney. I said I'd be here and here I am inside out just as naked as a Jay bird, but still you don't see it. You only see what your mind is allowing you to. use your heart and see that I still need you here even if it's just to check on you. You're a part of the family, but do you realize it? Do you see that I needed to do this for us both? We both need to grow, so, my rubbery ways are done for now. need to pick up the pieces to my own puzzle & figure out where God's leading me. I can't force you...if u want to be here you'll say so. So, I love you to death & always will b/c we've been through so much & I don't want to feel like we're on bad terms. So, take it as you may.

Late Night Special #20: Time Stands Still for No One

You know this being my first time going home since I started the "college life" I've come to find that people change and times change is one of the most accurate sayings I've heard. Going home and seeing that the people I graduated with and grew up with have done absolutely nothing! They're still the same totally immature people they were way back when. I mean honestly you'd think they'd grow up, but they're just sitting around believing that time is waiting around for them. I'm not insinuating that I'm better than anyone here, but actually leaving home and doing things on your own actually makes you realize how blessed you are. I can't and refuse to be doing the same thing year after year after year! At some time in life you must move on and plant seeds in this world to grow so that the ones behind us may have something to strive after. So, my question to everyone is, what will you be remembered by after you're gone?

Late Night Special #19: The Key to Life

Since I've been home I have had a lot of time to think. And through my nightly brainstorms (when I do my best thinking) I've come up with a theory. My theory is simply about figuring out life...what it is to me, what I can do to improve it, and how to help others. People say that I've changed since I've become a "Florida Girl" and that I'm just not the same anymore; that I need to come home and realize that my move isn't what was best, but honestly it's the best decision I've EVER made! Being 6 hrs. away from your home can and WILL change a person ya know? I've accepted that. It has allowed me to face many things I've hidden from and to take life by the horns. I'm growing up and I'm ecstatic about it! I have always been an independent/loner type chick, but in life everyone needs someone and I've found PLENTY someones LOL. Sometimes more than I know what to do with! (I LOVE YA FAM & THE BREAKFAST CREW!!!) Life isn't about pleasing others at all...it's about being the best YOU that YOU can be! I'm here to serve God and help to bring others to him. So, in my opinion life is basically finding yourself. So, from here on out &my New Year's Revolution will be to create a masterpiece of myself. I'm going to leave my mark on this world & let others know that it's ok to be different and to stand up for the things you believe in. No more will I be cowardly, but courageous with every step I take holding my head high and loving every breath I take and the people around me. So, for those of you who have always supported me from day one and given me the best advice you could I thank you & may God bless you tenfold! And I also want to thank my enemies and haters for giving me another reason to PROVE YOU WRONG! As for those who have the chance to read this I pray that you too will find yourself one way or another and learn to love it! SMOOCHES!!!

Late Night Special #18: Fuzzy

You ever wonder what your purpose is in life or how you're going to get where you need to be? For some reason I seem to be the person that helps everyone better themselves & then they leave me in the dirt watching them advance...or could it be that I'm growing and OUTgrowing them? I can see everyone else's situation for what it really is or what it can be, but for some reason I'm blind to everything in my own life. Half of the things that I go through I've given perfect advice to help others with, but why is it that we cannot take our own advice? Or that we tend to wear rose colored glasses when we know what it is? I can help everyone else with life altering decisions and yet I cannot get myself together. HA! Hilarious isn't it? Well, 2008 is a new year and hopefully I'll be able to leave my baggage in 2007 where it belongs. Pray for me friends & family. Pray that I can mend my heart & rejuvinate my spirit. Thank you & I love u to those who've helped me so far. One of these days I'll see the sun through the clouds...that is if I can ever put on my glasses...

Late Night Special #17: Wondering Aimlessly...Lonely

I look at u smiling & stare at ur pictures...wondering y can't I, y can't we, y can't he? He needs my love and I need someone to build me a new heart to take my mind off of the pain, to be my friend, to love me the way I want & need to be loved...y can't I be satisfied? Y can't I go to him and say all of this face to face? That I do love him and I ask about him 24/7, think about him all the time, but I'm stuck in the middle or in a 3-some rather. I'm in love with him, I love he, and I need to just do me, but u can't have ur cake & eat it too. I need that love... I must focus on school, on bettering myself, on my future, on my present, but how can I when my heart continues to fall apart & rivers flow from my eyes? When will I be peaceful again? When will I know? I want to drink & eat myself into a fat stuper or do I just need therapy? I need a man, with a plan, ambition & that will just ask how my day is tell me I love u, and will make sure it's known that I'm worth more than the occassional, and will satisfy me in every way and respect me, add diamonds to the crown I already own as a queen, acknowledge me, know what 2 say & when to say it, be selfless yet concious of himself, and supports my goals, takes his time with me, cherish me, show me a good time, and be everything...maybe I need to stop looking & let him fall into my lap, just be a lonely heart until....but when is that time? when will we know? how will we know? I pray and pray & pray, but I can't recognize the signs...just know i day dream...

Late Night Special #16: Becoming A Normality

Sometimes I think about how my life has limited closure & for years nothing's ultimately gone correct. It's been filled with pain, heartbreak, disappointment, & some failure. Somedays I don't even want to get out of bed...so, when ya c ya girl just know that looks aren't always what they seem. I could be laughing & cheesing, but I'm not happy. I just want to go run outside & scream most of the time or either sleep my days away. Yeah, "these are the best days of our lives", I guess! They said the same ish about high school & I dreaded every second. People don't take your friends and whatnot for granted b/c some of us don't have that shoulder to cry on all the time. Some people you can go & talk to them in strict confidence & then they ignore you afterwards or talk about you as soon as you leave the room. So, those of you who are happy, fight for that & try to keep it. And for those of you who do care to read this keep your girl in your prayers. Lord knows I need it. My backbone is deteriorating & it's no fun. LOVE, LIVE, LIFE ha!

Late Night Special #15: In the Dead of Winter

The sun that once shined so bright is now nowhere to be found
Sweet whispers of the wind are now silent
Flowers gone, leaves blown away, & nothing but the cold ground to show
I can't believe my eyes when I look into the mirror of a frozen lake
Who was she at that moment?
Does anyone recognize her?
She laughs while I kneal in tears asking God for direction
Apologies and pain fill the air now
A trail of blood & shattered muscle lead to warmthI find myself crawling picking up every shard trying to piece things together...
No matter how long it takes or what I must endure I will take this broken heart & make it stronger.
God I pray that you help me on this journey & the one that I have hurt so.
I vow to be better and to leave my wrong doings in the past.
For I cannot travel back into time but I can work harder for the future.
I was an idiot in my weakness and gave in far too easily...the only thing in my mind now is "How do I love thee?
Let me count the ways..." Hate, despise, or be disgusted with me now, but please please look deeply & promise to love me forever.

Late Night Special #14: Soundtrack to My Days & Whispers of My Nights Pt. 1

Mellowing out to slow jams and listening to God create rhythm with raindrops the first thought is you. As is every second of the day. This is an ode to you my friend. From looking at me the way you see the sun of a new day to "star gazing". I thank you for sharing so many first moments with me. There is nothing more breathtaking than watching God & discovering that first shooting star with you was amazing! *sigh* Yeah, this sapp is sighing again, so what? (lol) From catching me when I fall, consoling me when my nightmares consume my dreams as well as my reality, wiping the tears away, and being the top flight security that I need. Thank you for the little things you do as well as the big ones that we've recently encountered (now that was a big step). Dealing with my crazy mood swings (lol), emotional highs & lows, silent arguments that secretly torture us...you are a gift & major blessing. To be able to understand, relate, and be a voice of reason is no small feat. To picking the random flowers & keeping me laughing...I propose this toast to you for being my hero. Thanks!

Late Night Special #13: My Dark Knight (For Trellie)

Twin hearts beating in harmony so close & yet so far away
You kno me & I you, but somehow the cosmos & the stars keep us from meeting
A million thoughts flood my mind when I think of you
Teacher, believer, role model, lover, courage, & strength
Holding the keys 2 my very being, holding my spirit, holding...me...
You have held my hand & guided me, being the standard for ANY man in my life
Painting vast colors created by your love
Stitching my heart when pieces shattered
You are my hero
My night, my dark knight that brings the sunrise
I love you...so close & yet so far...

Late Night Special #12: Beautiful Nightmare (An Addiction)

I can't breath because I'm suffocated by your presence!!! I can feel your touch, see your eyes, kiss your lips *sigh* why must you torture me even in my dreams?! Haunting me night after night after night...I can't shake you! The velvet that pours from your mouth in whispers makes me tremble, your beauty is blinding! The perfectly tempered chocolate I'd say. I know that it's wrong and so does everyone else. I just need to know the truth before I have the "what if" syndrome. F**K IT! I will no longer be your Amy Winehouse SOMEONE RESCUE ME & WHISK ME AWAY TO REHAB!!! But then the slow pounding of my heart in surround sound betrays me, speaks for me, determines my actions even. DAMN YOU! Take off your blindfold and realize what you're doing to me! Heart, I beg you to lead me in the right direction! Save me...save me...save me...

Late Night Special #11: 1st Year of College--From One Family to Another (Memories)

Sitting here in good ol' South Cakalaki my mind wonders off to the beginning of a new life and a new me. When I first set foot onto BCU's campus I didn't know what to expect! A roomate I didn't know, people I had yet to meet, and a lot of getting used to. From meeting the girls, to meeting the guys (the ones I befriended as well as the ones with other motives in mind lol), to falling out just the same, & even picking up the pieces...Ahhh, good times! Man, I never thought I'd be where I am today this time last year. Shoooooooooooot, an '07 graduate being one of the ones to go farthest from home (yeah, those suckers decided to live the same ol' same) embarking on a new adventure you couldn't tell me SHIT! lol (sorry 4 cursing) My first time hittin the clubs and listening to a brand new sound, watchin everybody having a good time, girls gettin loose, guys actin a fool (meetin DJ for the first time lol LET'S GET FREAKY!)...DANG! I even remember the first time I saw someone bop! Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan, I'll never forget when I saw the face that Mess makes when he dances (lol!!!), the vibe I get from Marc whenever he's in the station or spinnin in the clubs, HOMECOMING, when I first met Mr. Walker, hearing Ashton call me out "NAAAAAAAATRAAAAAAAAAL" (smoochies Famous!),goofing around with Sharice & the seriousness of NIP/TUCK, trying to pronounce Fatou's name ("You know! Like FIVE-TWO...FAAAAATOOOOOU!), when I saw Dru dance for the first time (I swear I thought that boy was quiet ha! But it's cool, he's deep) Walt's big tall a-s-s hittin me on accident in the club all the time GEEZE!, OOOOOOOOOOOOH!!! the first time I saw Jeremy drunk *doing the sholder dance* "I'M SOBEEER!" {doing is Superman stance} GOOD TIMES!, Eric & Glenn with thier country crazy behinds (luv ya'll!), the KITTY KREW chillin together was FABULOSITY at it's best MEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOWW!!!...hey Marc, MEAT CHECK! lol, even the craziness of a few people that will not be named lol we all got some laughs out of them! Now, to the rest of ya'll don't think for a SECOND that I forgot about you it's just waaaaaaaaaay too much to type. The look on everyone's faces like they had no care in the world will be the most remembered...mmm,mmm,mm...*sigh* Seems like I had just gotten there and my first year is over already. So, I just want to say thanks guys for the smiles, laughs, tears, drunken discussions, and great times that I will always remember. LUV YA! *wink, wink*

Late Night Special #10: DREAMS

I breath in the entrancing smell of this man. He smells almost good enough to eat; so close I can taste him. I feel his hands floating across my cheek and am blinded by his smile. I feel myself smiling back...my eyes are filled with beautiful chocolate, so smooth and strong. Am I touching him? He feels so real...I gasp when I feel his lips touch mine. I close my eyes as I lick my lips to a taste sweeter than honey. This CAN'T be real... *sigh* You take my hand and lead my steps onto sun warmed sand. How did we get here? You pick me up and twirl me until I can't catch my breath, my heart skips a few beats, I welcome the chills up my spine... God let this be real... We walk slowly into the water and laugh as the fish tickle my feet. The sun only allows me to see your eyes and your smile. Your soul speaks to me...my Lord it's breathtaking...you're gorgeous in the moonlight...MOONLIGHT? The day has escaped from us already? I look towards you and see the candlelight dance across your bare chest; *mmm, mmm,mmm* he inspires me. You sleep with a smile, so, I lay on your chest and I smile back. The lightening strikes, thunder rolls, the wind chills me, then...something crashes! I scream, jerk, & cry out for you...when I reach my hand next to me........................ I feel the wetness from my tears and realize I am in my bed clutching a cold pillow. As I look out my window I pray for you to come back to me and then maybe, just maybe one day we'll relive this fantasy and have a chance to make it never end.

Late Night Special #9: Pay It Forward (A.R.K.)

Recently I have had a few revelations about life or my life atleast. I have determined something that I'm sure you have encountered sometime in your lifetime and that is our influence on one another. As of late I have heard plenty about how people believe that I have been a positive influence on them or atleast said something that stuck with them and has helped them in some way or they believe that I CAN help. The point that I'm trying to make here is that we have to pay more attention to the things we do and say amongst people. For all we know we can impact their lives during life changing moments that they will remember forever. I know that there have been many people that have said or done something that stuck with me and opened my eyes to the reality of things in life. So, I challenge you yet again to create an A.R.K. that will be a haven for your fellow man. ACT of RANDOM KINDNESS (heard it on Evan Almighty, but it still serves a purpose!) What goes around comes around, so, let's try to feed into the positive to recieve the blessings that God has for us. Pay it forward kiddies you never know how it could define your future...

Late Night Special #8: Lesson Learned (A "Dear John" Letter)

Dear John,

I want to scream to the top of my lungs that I hate you...not just hate, but a burning passionate hate, but that's not the case. I had loved you and given you everything willingly; let you take it even. You were living in my entire being I carried you I CARRIED YOU and even when I told you you gave some excuse. "I would've been there if you needed me, I love you, I'm sorry, You're everything to me..." LIES...Because of this I was damaged to say the least. I tried to hide my shattered heart only looking at the pieces in the dark of night, hiding my tears in quiet silence, refusing to let anyone lend a helping hand all because of you. Seems like the world mocks my heart with the love in the air and all around me. Watching others engage in something I thought I had, well, I did have, but only on my side of the road. I had it alone. Now, I don't fault you for anything because you know what? I knew that you never loved me, I knew it was all lies...thought I saw something in your eyes all the way to your soul that wanted you to love me and maybe that's what I held onto. I have let this plague me for far too long. I couldn't no wouldn't allow others to show that there was hope of love in my little world. I never asked for much just for the truth even if it hurt, but you continue to lie even to this very second. But why fool myself? I've said over and over again that I am completely done with you, but this time I COMPLETELY mean it. You are no longer a thought, the beat of my heart, or the reason for my tears. It will take some time, but with the help of someone I will be better. Thanks to someone close to me I have realized this and I will forever be in his debt for reminding me of my worth. As for you I thank you for teaching me a valuable lesson. Thank you for showing me what I do not and will not tolerate in my life, my potential to be the love of someone's life, and that I don't need you. You came to me asking for another chance because you knew I'd give a hundred more and in the next second you'd disappear...well, this time continue that disappearing act. I've found CLEAR air to breath and in my misery I'm actually happy. There is someone waiting to love me and I'm going to give him that chance, I'm going to be ready, I'm going to let go. You outta see me now with the sun in my smile and the stars behind my eyes...one small step for me to what God has for me. Thank you.

JANE DOE

Late Night Special #7: Opening My Eyes

Sitting here tonight, thinking, wondering, and dreaming I realized something…my DREAMS have yet to be realized. I know what direction I’m headed, but not quite sure where I’m going or what waits for me there. What is my purpose here? Or better yet…what am I to my purpose? God? Can I get a little help? I’m sure you have something SPECTACULAR waiting for me. I just pray that you reveal it to me and others that feel the same. Prepare me for the present and this great future…It’s really time for me to get on my job. I AM serious about my future and a very good friend of mind helped me to realize a lot these past few days. Thanks Willy Wonka! Somehow I know that HE was speaking through you to help me. You’ve always been there even when you weren’t (you know what I mean). So, I guess what I’m trying to share with everyone is the only one that has the answers is GOD. Talk to him sometime, he’s pretty cool. :0)

Late Night Special #6: Cease The Moment

I try my best to do right with people, take care of them, and treat them as I want to be treated. And tonight I learned a very important lesson. Sometimes your heart exceeds your mind and lets you know about it later. True enough it let me in on some things that I thought I was through with, but it gave me hope with the help of others. But, tonight it did something totally unexpected. It told me that even though I wanted to give up, even though I thought I had lost all hope that somewhere deep down inside there is a part of me that knows that there is someone out there for me. Sometimes things aren't the way the seem or they may be b/c there is always the factor of fear. But, hey cease the moment people! Life's short and I can no longer hide behind fear or hurt. I gave the chance, but never to myself...

Late Night Special #5: Friends, How Many of Us Have Them?

Tonight's edition of the late night special is a discussion of friends. *sigh* Ah, a word used quite often that people don' t always know the meaning of. Seeing that I have almost completed my first year of college I have come in contact with different situations with "friends". What IS a friend anyway? The dictionary defines a friend as 'a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard or gives assistance or support.' Ok, who wrote that bullshit? A FRIEND is someone who does support, who does have affection towards you, but a REAL friend is someone who excepts you flaws and all no matter the circumstance. No argument or situation can come between them. Here at Bethune-Cookman I've met an array of people from different backgrounds and differences. As much as people want to believe it we cannot trust EVERYONE. Ok people? Get it? Now, I know we all make mistakes and whatnot and believe me I've learned first hand of these so-called "friends". And I mean I learned the HARD way. All I'm trying to say is let's make the world a better place. I challenge you, YES Y-O-U! Be a shoulder to lean/cry on, share a smile to brighten someones day, even if you don't know the person just give a compliment or say something encouraging or uplifting. It makes a world of difference, TRUST ME! And let's also remember that little thing called karma can be something serious. So, are you up for the challenge?

Late Night Special #4: IMAGINEER THAT!

Have you ever wished that you could just write a list for exactly what you want in a spouse, opposite sex friend, or just someone to cuddle & chill wit? You know take the time to REALLY take the time to list and contemplate on what you want and need? Because what I've come to realize is that majority of us don't know what we want or need. Like my Grandma says, "Don't let your eyes get bigger than your stomach." That basically means don't get greedy for something you think you want and then complain when you can't stomach it. I just want to write a list and put it in a classified ad then let guys fill out an application for review, lol. Now don't sit there and think I'm crazy because we all know that sometime in our lives we've dreamed up the perfect guy or girl. Someone to know what you want and need without you even saying it first. True enough people can't read your mind, but come on! That's what hints are for (lol). Foreal guys and girls, let's just be serious ya dig? Everyone wants that teenage love affair again ya know? When you couldn't wait to rush home just to call them and talk all night about nothing in particular, think of them all day, smile goofily whenever they come around or are mentioned by others, etc. What happened to those day? And why are so many of our women and men feeling the loneliness? Give us that spark of hope that will keep us on our toes, but we can't wait forever...now, take the time to write your own list of everything you want and need mentally, emotionally, physically, and yes behind closed doors because as much as we hate to admit it IT MATTERS! (It would suck to be completely smitten and then when it comes down to it they're the worst lover ever lol...hey it happens) So, I challenge you people...IMAGINEER THAT!

Late Night Special #3: Straight Confessional

Isn't it funny how when someone sparks your hope it can be at a crazy time in that person's life? The one that likes me for who I truly am, a host of imperfection, and yet in his eyes I'm a queen, a best friend, a confidant (sp?), a comforter, and all that inbetween? I've never seen anyone so excited to see my face or hear my voice! lol Makes me smile just thinking about it. From walking me to classes, the "just checkin on u" & "how's ur day" messages, the stupid faces we make, the goofy jokes ("Scuse me Jesus! lol), and all the fun...*sigh* But, sometimes past loves and things can either get in the way or actually be right on time. Who knows though. So, u're between a rock & a hard place & here I am, HOPING...Hey, you know what? I don't mind hoping for you, wanting you, wishing I could watch you sleep, see your smile, and the shy looks you give, the hugs, kisses on the cheek, the sly way u try to hold my hand lol, our arguments of randomness that end in giggles & tickles. GEEZE! I swear I can't win for losing, but you give me H-O-P-E. U'RE AMAZING. I don't want u to have to choose, but what else is there? A 2 yr. luv or a few weeks of bliss? I know I'm more than a friend to u, I know exactlly how you feel, and I know how much you care. Now it's just up 2 u and Jesus...TAKE CARE OF U FIRST! It's not up to me or her. Ur happiness is what matters.

Late Night Special #2

Another late night with the beautiful sounds of rain and swirling thoughts. The last time we were together I talked of new beginnings and honestly they weren't exactly what I thought. I've come to find out that most things are not what they seem so from now own I will use my eyes to listen, but what do we do when we're told to only believe half of the things we see? Come on ya'll know that saying "Believe nothing you hear and half of what you see". So, don't act like this is new to you. What I have taken in so far in these few days since my last installment is that there are few real people in this world. Yeah, I knew it already, but sometimes it takes time to show you how true something is. I have found that the ones that you least expect to mean anything in your life can prove to be the greater choice among others. Hey, life is full of surprises; some good, some bad. The particular situation I am refering to is going good so far. If you have paid attention to my status at anytime lately you know my feelings on hope with people at the moment. But, one person in particular has been proving me otherwise. He has been a friend when I needed it most, taken care of me when I was sick, and even given me the shirt off of his very own back. When I felt as if no one cared he showed me that there are some good people left. Barely knew me, but reassured me the best he could following with a contagious smile just to get me to smile and brighten my day. He is becoming a great friend in my book. We've partied together, played hide & go seek (lol U can't hide by the fridge anymore!), and even walked me to class so that I'll go when I don't feel up to it. Thanks hun! I appreciate you for all you've done and are doing. Hopefully, things will continue to go as smoothly and just for the record whatever it is you decide to do I'm behind you 100% k? And to my home girl *sigh* what can I say about'cha u retard? lol U're a cool person & I know u're down no matter what. Wanna know how I know? 2 words buddy...APRIL FOOLS! lol Thanks girl! So, guys let this be a lesson for all of us. If you want a friend, be a friend ya dig? It's time to stop taking people for granted b/c life is too short. No one's perfect, but God understands. All this hatin & whatnot is REALLY unnecessary. So, just do you, but do you the best way you know how by being just that Y-O-U. *sigh* Well, guys, this is it for the night. See ya next time...Won't u b my neighbor? (RIP Mr. Rogers)

Late Night Special: The Beginning...Originally started March 2008

It's amazing how your mind tends to wonder so much at night. Is it because you're all alone with your thoughts or just us taking the time to connect with the rest of ourselves (meaning mind, body, & spirit). While laying here all sorts of thoughts swarm my mind. My past, my present, my future & how this all came about. Lord knows I've gone through some rough & crazy times, but I'm here still thinking of how I'm going to figure out my future and the steps to take in the present from the strength I've gained from the past. As of late I've been very happy. I'm starting to understand myself and my surroundings more and more. It's wild how every second can be like seasons. All in the span of a few minutes I can go start in summer and end in winter, but I've learned to work through it. People come and go in my life as well as me passing through thiers. It is not ALWAYS in vain, but I'm trying to find a happy medium I guess. No one can do that but me so if I have to cut some people from the team in order to achieve this then that's what it is. Not to offend anyone of course. Yeah, I can be a bitch and I can be the sweetest girl that's just who I am. Just love me for who I am and if you can't then GET 2 STEPPIN SHAWTY! Yeah, I've tried to hold on to some things (& still holding on to a few of them) that I really shouldn't be. You tend to want to stick around, but honestly idk if thats's what it's supposed to be... I hate to say it, but it's time we both spread our wings, but know you're still the best in my book. I also find myself holding grudges that I shouldn't and holding on to the things in my life that I simply can't change. For those of you that KNOW me and REALLY know me you know I still have trouble with my past with my mother's death. I mean it's just one of those things you just don't "move on" from ya dig? But, I must learn to LIVE ON. I'm still trying to figure myself out so don't ask me what I want because majority of the time I won't know what that is exactly. There is one thing that I do know though...it's a wonderful feeling to have someone to talk to that knows EXACTLY how you feel or tries hard to listen and understand without being selfish but self-giving I guess I should say. I've smiled more now than I can remember me doing in a while. I was starting to lose hope, but there's someone that I know feels how I feel & understand what I say. May not as secure about speaking, but that's something that will eventually fall into place. Just want you to know that I adore & appreciate you. You have a wonderful mind and our conversations are fun-filled and deep all at the same time. Whether it be cartoons to random things in life or life itself. I'm most comfortable with you and hopefully that says something. So, in some weird way thanks for January 1st (lol) {Ms. Butta Pecan ova & out LMAO}. To all the females I've had run-ins with look I apologize for my ignorance IF there was any on my part. I don't take well to the females species which is a funny thing so if hang around you more than a few minutes at a time consider yourself special lol. No I'm not conceited so don't start runnin' your mouths...wait they talked about Jesus so what am I saying? He he! Anyway, but on somethin real all I'm sayin is just do you and I'll do me. Plain & simple. And God I know that I mess up...A LOT, but thank you for your many blessings. I couldn't have made it without you sending your angels that night and sparing my life. You have a great purpose for me and I pray I'll see, seek, and understand soon to fulfill your will.